ok im going to get stuff out.. maybe not everything cuz idk im not ready to let EVERYTHING out to everyone but im going to do sum "i am''s.

i am no good at school.

i have blonde moment all the time.

i never get big words.

i am insecure about alot of things.

i hate being around my friends/people sumtimes but hate being alone.

i think i have undiagnosed depression and bi-polar disorder.

i get very emotional.

i get obsessed about things that arnt healthy(some know what they are).

i strive for perfection.

i dont let people see the real me.

i let people down alot.

i hate how im never good enough.. for anyone.

i dont let people get close to me because they always end up hurting you..

and they all leave you in the long run neway.

i fear rejection.

my life is a mess.

i fear dying alone.

i fear love.

i never let anyone know how i truely feel about them.

i fear failure...

as a person,

friend,

sister,

daughter,

girl next door,

it all.

i fear im failing life as a whole.

i am extremly shy becuase i am afraid of what people think of me.

i get anxious VERY easily.

i deny the truth..

to myself and to others.

music is my escape.

i use quotes as a way to let my feelings out.

i have many different addictions.

and this is me.

and im not goin to change anytime soon.

TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT!

ok lately i have been really upset b/c this boy from my school died in a car accident on feburary 9, 2006. it happened around 5 that afternoon and they say he was goin to go pick up his girlfriend from holly grove and was running late so he was goin over 100 mph and was txtin her to tell her he was on his way missed a turn and hit a tree. he snapped his neck and died instantly. his car was wrapped around the tree and they said that when they tried to move it away from the road it didnt even look like it was a car it just looked like someone threw red metal and and trash all over the road. when i found out i didnt believe it and just blanked out and went tosleep instantly. the next day at school is when it finally hit me that he was gone.just walking through the halls and seeing everyone cryin and with red eyes it hit me and i started crying. i cried all day. first block, tried not to second block, and on the way to vo-tech and at vo-tech. i just kept thinking of how nice and sweet he was and what he could be and then thinking about all my firends that have been in car accidents that could have died but were lucky and didnt. it is a really hard time for everyone that knew him. the icon picture i have up is of him from the play with his birthdate and death date. it is so sad b/c only about a week eirlier he was in a play and played a man who gets killed and comes back for a day to find out who killed him and its almost like it was a prophacy b/c he ended up dieing about a week later. and how the day he died all seniors took their graduation pictures and the day after we all got our report cards. he could have truely been something big and really could have gones omewhere but left us way to fast and way to soon. and here is a poem i wrote in memory of him...

IN MEMORY OF STEVEN PAYNE
By: Kc Holmgren

You could have been so much
But you left to fast
Now all i can do is ask
Ask God why you had to go
You could have been so much more

When i heard about your death
I just wanted to die
But all i could do was cry
I just blanked out
And wanted to go to sleep
But all i could see was
Your red car just hittin that tree

People who didnt know you
Say its not big deal
But if only they could see
The people who feel and cry for you
Who would go back in time and die for you
If you could only see the people who can't live without your smile
Without your laugh, without your style

But i know your lookin down
And you dont want us to cry
But to remember all the times
The good and the bad
Cuz Garry Steven Payne
Your the best that we had!

he is deffinatly going to be missed and is always going to bein our hearts.